4.Oct – Mood



30. Aug – going to back to reading

While browsing my drawers in hope of finding something interesting to do, I noticed quite few empty notebooks which I bought for the pure purpose of writing something interesting inside them. So I decided that I shall do that today! (Although look at me now, updating this place – proves that I rely on comfort. It’s easier to move the fingers on the keyboard rather than write each letter in a sentence by hand, eh? Hate that. But that’s another topic to discuss)
For that I had to figure out what to start writing about. My head felt empty so I looked for inspiration and found the printed out pages from the Plath book. Started reading and ended up being triggred about this.

“Being born a woman is my awful tragedy. From the moment I was conceived i was doomed to sprout breasts and ovaries rather than penis and scrotum; to have my whole circle of action, thought and feeling rigidly circumscribed by my inescapable femininity. Yes, my consuming desire to mingle with road crews, sailors and soldiers, bar room regulars – to be a part of scene, anonymous, listening, recording – all is spoiled by the fact that I am a girl, a female always in danger of assault and battery. My consuming interest in men and their lives is often misconstrued as a desire to seduce them, or as an invitation to intimacy. Yet, God, I want to talk to everybody I can as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night …

― Sylvia PlathThe Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

I explained this to my mom since I’m trying to open up to people more so maybe they’ll understand me more. She said that Sylvia should have been born around this time so she wouldn’t be so trapped as she was back in 50’s. Well … that doesn’t really help now, does it. But I gave my mom a reply saying that things like that are still happening. I also tend to have interest in men because I just deeply want to understand them. I know women, I don’t know that much men. Yet it can be understood as I’m luring them into my “seduction”. I gave my mom a few examples where men gave up on keeping in touch with me after they learned I’m not sexually into them. Her reply?

” Well, maybe you didn’t have anything more to offer to them then if they lost the interest?”

That sentence gave me a lot of thinking material. A lot.

16. Aug – My soul craves the sadness


5th of JulyUntitled 2.jpghttps://www.instagram.com/rupikaur_/

Yesterday while in a bookstore I realized that by picking random books and giving them a shot to impress me by reading either intro or random pages didn’t really work out. I am not sure where is my interest or what’s happening – maybe I had a bad luck. I couldn’t concentrate on any of the fiction books the store offered. In the end I found myself in a poetry area…. and I’m not really known to be interested in poetry and prose that much, although there are some tiny moments when I dive into that world quite deep. Yesterday it happened again. I found myself next to a bookshelf reading with a huge interest rupi kaur and her “milk and honey” (which turns out is the biggest thing ever on tumblr according to my friends). Those ideas were so familiar. I finally felt that I’m being understood or… I’m not really sure. I cannot say that the book was 10 out of 10 my life, not really. Quite opposite maybe. But still! The short words on a page could tell me so much more than long sentences in classic books. I felt such a satisfaction.
Especially I needed the healing part. To hear those words that I already know.
I am not sure what’s happening with me in the middle of this beautiful August, my feelings and thoughts are very mixed. Quite a few storms that need to be survived. I’m mostly afraid that while I’m trying to survive them I might cause other ones to rise.

Anyways, highly recommended by me. Just felt like writing it out.

23. Jul – Still not good with blogs

I think that the biggest reason for now being very active on my own blog comes from the fact that I don’t have anything polished&shining to show here. To feel proud of. My mind is is like a photo of bubbles being captured by the camera – so many different things happening yet not a single one is big enough. So many sketches.
And of course if I don’t really spend time doing what this blog was made for then there’s no result to publish, hehe. It’s so much easier to just light up the candles, turn some good music on, drink a glass of red wine and for example explore what other artistic people have done or analyze song lyrics or doodle in a sketchbook etc.

I have a huge lot of pictures to cherish that were made this summer, maybe I should try to use them somehow. Let’s see about that. I’ve made a quick collage ( again, duh ) from pictures taken on Jaanipäev/Midsummer. (They were made by Ester tho)


A year ago I bought a book by Chuck Palahniuk called “Choke” just because it had a quote saying ” Art never comes from happiness”. The book was interesting although it had nothing to do with the quote itself ( to be honest I was a bit dissapointed how small detail it was in the whole story comparing to how big influence the sentence had on me).
And I still find it to be truest thing ever said. I like positivity, don’t get me wrong. But if I have to choose between a song that is expressing happiness or a song expressing sadness – you know on which side you’ll find me. And oh how much I wish I could change that. I’m trying all the time to create playlists on Spotify with songs that bring happiness or youth enjoyment or what not. Something to play when friends are around. I keep saying to myself: the rule is not to end up adding sad songs. IN THE END I STILL DO. They are just so beautiful. They are under my skin!

Just totally out of the blue gonna mention Mew – Comforting Sounds was the best song to experience live. The recorded version which can be found on their album is also magnificent, sure, will not argue with that. But damn the emotional flow that goes through the whole body while listening to the lead vocalist create those high sounds in the end!! Maybe it’s true, maybe UFO’s exists.

Alright, cool stuff to share:


ESTER is an amazing girl from Tartu whose pictures I deeply adore and they can be found on her own personal page : https://esterkaul.tumblr.com/
Once I open the browser that’s a page that is showing first on the “most visited sites”, I swear that I’m checking it almost every day or at least few times a week. The pictures come by events and moods, I guess, so I just have to wait for the right moment when she’s inspired again. Really cool!

DSC_0056e (1)

Jesse Felker I found out about just recently and maybe that’s why its so freshly on my mind. His page is mostly, I guess, about adventure motorcycles ( which is also very cool) but I really like the way he portrayed the personal content which can be found: https://www.jessefelker.com/personal/
That part is propably my ” life goals” : nature, black Jeep, doggo, dirt bike and adventures.
I aspire to have other things in life also but you understand, right?

And the time is 01:42 am which means that I propably should go to sleep now if I want to help out my family tomorrow. Alright, I’ll try to be a better owner of a blog. (YEAH SURE)

I realized today that I cannot get this out of my mind. This part of the book raped my brain completely, I’m not able to heal from this brutal truth

” To yearn for an organism of the opposite sex to comprehend and heighten your thoughts and instincts, and to realize that most American males worship woman as a sex machine with rounded breasts and a convenient opening in the vagina, as a painted doll who shouldn’t have a thought in her pretty head other than cooking a steak dinner and comforting him in bed after a hard 9-5 day at a routine business job. * to realize that there are some men who like a girl as a companion in mind as well as body, and want to take picnics in the sunlight instead of parking on a dark road at midnight after an evening of sexual stimulation while walking around a crowded dance floor and embracing breast to breast, stomach to stomach. * to realize that just as you will meet one of the few whom you could learn to be companionable with, the War of Double Hate will blow his guts out for the sake of shedding the light of freedom on the darkened half of the oppressed peoples of the world. ”

Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

Feb 1 – seems like a nice day to start blogging

Honestly – I have been trying to start blogging since October 2016 but never really knew how to realise that – by simply lacking a good idea for the blog – until now. Today I decided to give Adobe Illustrator CC 2017 a try. I must confess – I already love it & cannot really name an exact reason why.
I started by creating very simple graphic designs and playing around with shapes. Shaper tool is so much fun! I never imagined to be so fascinated by creating lines. I mean sure – I started realizing that I don’t really like creating traditional art myself while I was still in my first semester taking the drawing&painting class – but now I’m truly starting to see where I should start putting my effort into. I feel that I have a huge interest in that field. So… I’m starting a blog which would motivate me to create more, document it here and later see my progress. The second semester of my first year is finally introducing more interesting subjects in the multimedia field and I’m eager to see what’s going to happen!
Yesterday I had a “Typography and basics of layout” class where the lecturer wanted us to shortly introduce ourselves and how familiar we are with Photoshop, InDesign etc. I realized that the biggest interest I had for Photoshop + ImageReady was between ages 13 and 17. After that I somewhat stopped spending as much time behind computer… but back to the topic – in the end of the class we had to quickly make an A4 (“visual essay”, something similar to Tumblr or Pinterest) which would desrcribe us, our interests etc.
Im posting my result:


Tomorrow I will have a “Video, Performance, Sound and Media Art ” subject. I hope it will be very interesting! Most likely I will post about that later but for now – FIN.